Keep your damn trap shut...

For those of you out there in the world that believe that the mere sight of a pregnant woman somehow grants you permission to say anything you can think of to that pregnant woman... keep your damn trap shut.

Do I want your advice?

No.

Do I want you to make a comment on my size?

No.

Do you bother to think before you open your mouth and say something extremely offensive to a woman in a most likely emotional state?

No.

Is ok to touch the belly of a perfect stranger merely because that stranger is pregnant?

No.

So to all of you a-holes out there that I've been putting up with for the last nine months, here are some words of advice.  Keep your hands and your words and your looks and your stares and your laughter and your questions to your damn self.

And to the woman I encountered today, here are two versions of what happened earlier... the first is what actually happened, the second is what you should be glad didn't happen because I was in a relatively calm mood at the time and you lucked the eff out:

Version 1 - what really happened
"So, are you due soon?"  (FYI - this is typically an offensive question to ask because how would you like it when someone asks you something like, "Oh you must be due any day huh?"  And it's January, and you are due in effing June.  Hey, lady, go eff yourself.)

"Yep.  Tomorrow" (Being able to respond in this way makes me feel a little better, you know, cuz it's not January, it's actually June...)

"Oh.  Is there just one baby in there?"  (Seriously?  Did you just ask me that?  What the hell is wrong with you and how do you not realize the enormous potential your last question has for being extremely offensive.  You work at Whole Foods, it's your job to be nice to me, in fact you are currently earning a living to do so and you are totally effing up your only job in the WHOLE WORLD right now!)

"Yep" (Stupid Bitch)

"Oh, well, congratulations"

"Thanks"

End Scene

Version 2 - What could have happened, but luckily for Stupid Bitch, Version 1 actually happened...

"So are you due soon?"

"Yep.  Tomorrow"

"Oh.  Is there just one baby in there?"

"Wait, let me ask you a question first... how many teeth did you come to work with today?"

"Ummm.... huh?"

"I'm asking if you know how many teeth you came to work with today because I'm wondering if you want to leave with the same amount of teeth in your mouth tonight as you had this morning... because if you do, you should keep your damn trap shut so people like me don't come along and knock your effing teeth out your effing face.  Savvy?"

"... [pregnant pause]... Thanks for coming to Whole Foods."

"Eff you very much"