Oh, look! It’s my favorite sandwich artist – the one with the purplish hair! Oh YAY she’s gonna make my sand..w...i….c…..h……. nooooo! Wait!! Dang! Mr. Cold-cut-combo has stolen my sandwich artist! Lucky for him since she’s probably the only one on the planet who understands what he means when he asks her to take the bologna off the sandwich (she’s THAT good…)… I mean, you ordered a cold cut combo, not a ham and salami sandwich - it’s a cold cut combo guy, that COMES with bologna… (does anyone else use the imprinted Oscar Meyer commercial to help them spell the word b-o-l-o-g-n-a? Just me? Hmmm… Oh, and speaking of Cold Cut Combos, did you know that the ham, salami and bologna are all considered “turkey-based meats” on Subway’s menu… look it up… last time I had salami, there certainly was not a speck of turkey in it… so… fyi…)… but our heroine knows just what to do!
Ugg, so who does that leave me with? Jo Shmo, your run of the mill sandwich artist (sing that to “Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy”, and then smile as you think of Jimmy Fallon and how FUNNY he is…). No, I have a better name for him… he’s The Sandwich Assailant. Why? Because he gets paid to assault your sandwich, that’s why.
Here are a few things you should know, Mr. Sandwich Assailant:
1)
Mustard is typically yellow and mayonnaise is typically white. Don’t confuse the two as you did earlier today, it’s not rocket science. You claim to be a sandwich artist, right? Well then? You should know this.
2)
Subway sandwiches come in 6 inch and foot long varieties. When someone buys a foot long sandwich and you are nice enough to cut it in half for them (when really, it’s not you being nice so much as it's you doing your JOB), this should result in you cutting the foot long sandwich into two 6 inch portions, or at least somewhere close. A Subway sandwich should not be cut into two disproportionate sections, for example one that is 3 inches and one that is 9 inches, unless specified by the sandwich purchaser. You should know this.
3)
As noted above, Subway sandwiches are either 6 inches or 12 inches long. When dispensing condiments on said sandwiches, those condiments should cover the entire length of said sandwich. Not 2 inches from one side to 2 inches from the other. You should know this.
4)
When someone specifically asks for “one line of regular mayonnaise” (no, not mustard) what they are trying to communicate with you is that you should use your little squirt bottle of mayonnaise (again, not mustard) and draw one line of the condiment from one end of the sandwich to the other end of the sandwich, creating one 6 or 12 inch line of mayonnaise across the length of the sandwich. You should know this.
5)
When a customer has made a specific request, as outlined in point 4, this is not the time to flaunt your artistry by waving the bottle back and forth across the length of the sandwich as you squeeze (or some portion of the sandwich as you clearly don’t understand the aforementioned concept of point number 4) – this goes against the request of “one line” and apparently also goes against point number 3 above as well, leaving me not only with more mayonnaise than I requested or budgeted for in my daily calorie allotment, but also causing me to have areas on my sandwich with too much or no mayonnaise at all. And let’s not forget about that unwanted mustard you provided me with. As an “artist” I know it’s hard not to perform a bit of artistry from time to time, but you must use your gifts within the confines of your customer’s order. You should know this.
I beg of you, Subway Sandwich Artists, get your $hit together.
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